just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
