I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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