you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
