i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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