i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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