he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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