I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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