So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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