alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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