i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
