Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
