Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
