Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
