Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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