apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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