Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
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you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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