wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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