Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
