Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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