There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
