He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
