Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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