Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
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you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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