I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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