i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Can you repeat that, but with context?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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