her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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