If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
