3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
