Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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