Im at strip club and am horny
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
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I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
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He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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