We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
