is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
