I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
