he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
