break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I love black thongs
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
