I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
