i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
