I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
