Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
