you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
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She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
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I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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