Umm I'm too high to move.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
