Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
