mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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