He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
