Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
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As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
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When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You made out with two different species that night
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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