He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
