for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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