apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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