Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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