im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience