Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
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there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
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I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.