a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
