I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
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No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
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There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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