Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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