Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
