Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
