i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
