Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
