I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
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I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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